Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr.. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.” (read it again)
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist’s Office: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”
At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber’s truck:Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
On a Church’s Bill board: “7 days without God makes one weak.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
At a Towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
On a Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry;come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”
At a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
‘Do you know how they make these gloves?’ he asked.
‘No, I don’t,’ she replied.
‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.’
She didn’t crack a smile.’Oh, well. I tried,’ he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
‘What’s so funny?’ he asked, ‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made !’
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
Be afraid of old ladies: be VERY afraid, as they have been there and done everything!
SUBMITTED BY: G-ADAMS
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded. (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.
15. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them awhile.
14. If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
13. If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
12. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you.
11. You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
10. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?
9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not not. Was Mickey Mouse a dog or cat.
8. Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I will give you another ticket
7. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.
6. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife get’s a toaster oven.
5. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.
4. How big were those two beers you say you had?
3. No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.
2. I am glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.
AND THE WINNER IS….
1. You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.
SUBMITTED BY: G-ADAMS
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says,
“I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
“What did he say?”
The wife yells back to him,
“GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS
SUBMITTED BY: T. BAYLISS