THE BANANA TEST

 There is a very tall coconut tree and 4 animals


A Lion , A Chimp   , A Giraffe ,
……AND…
 A Squirrel 

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

  Who do you guess will win?

    Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . .
Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?

now scroll down to get your analysis

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If your answer is:

Lion = you’re dull.
Chimpanzee = you’re dense. 
Giraffe = you’re a complete moron.
Squirrel = you’re hopeless.



A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS. 

Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax

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MATHEMATICAL LOGIC

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that WhileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top..<

SAFE DRIVING AWARD

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

John thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him — he’s just a wise guy when he’s drunk and stoned.”

Brian from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD

The economy is so bad that… 

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street.”

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

JUST LIKE MOMMY

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male
customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

BOB’S FUNERAL

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.  

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 

 

‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

 

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

 

The cabby turns around and says,

‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

 

Bob’s funeral will be on Saturday.