TICKETS

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner. 

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OLE GOES TO COURT

Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
company’s lawyer was questioning Ole. Didn’t  you say, sir, at the                       scene of the accident, I’m fine? Asked the  lawyer.
 
 Ole responded, Vell, I’ll tell  you vat happened. I had yust loaded
 my favorite mule, Bessie, into da…..
 
I didn’t ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine?

 Ole said, Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
driving down da road…

The lawyer interrupted again and said, Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and
said to the lawyer, I’d like to  hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie.

 Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. Vell, as I vas saying, I had
 yust  loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas
 driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran
da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into
one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad
and didn’t vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans.

Shortly  after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to
 her. After he looked  at her and saw her condition he  took out his
gun and shot her right tween da eyes.
 
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked
at me and said, How are you feeling?
 
Now vat da hell vould YOU  say?

SAFE DRIVING AWARD

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

John thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him — he’s just a wise guy when he’s drunk and stoned.”

Brian from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

BLONDE COP

This blonde  cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde  driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have
left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do  you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde  takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says,
“Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”