OLE GOES TO COURT

Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
company’s lawyer was questioning Ole. Didn’t  you say, sir, at the                       scene of the accident, I’m fine? Asked the  lawyer.
 
 Ole responded, Vell, I’ll tell  you vat happened. I had yust loaded
 my favorite mule, Bessie, into da…..
 
I didn’t ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine?

 Ole said, Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
driving down da road…

The lawyer interrupted again and said, Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and
said to the lawyer, I’d like to  hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie.

 Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. Vell, as I vas saying, I had
 yust  loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas
 driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran
da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into
one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad
and didn’t vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans.

Shortly  after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to
 her. After he looked  at her and saw her condition he  took out his
gun and shot her right tween da eyes.
 
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked
at me and said, How are you feeling?
 
Now vat da hell vould YOU  say?

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WHY I AM DIVORCED

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t
feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband                                                        would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and                                                             possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning,
let alone Happy Birthday. I thought…
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word…

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,
‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way
Happy Birthday! I felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go he                            chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis                          each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,                   Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?

I responded,’ I guess not. What do you have in mind?
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed
by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there
On the couch…
Naked!

SILENT FARTS

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?

“Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”

 The Doctor nods, “Hmm.

” Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?

“Hmm,” says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts? “

“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test. “

MATHEMATICAL LOGIC

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that WhileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top..<

SAFE DRIVING AWARD

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

John thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him — he’s just a wise guy when he’s drunk and stoned.”

Brian from the back seat said, “I told you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD

The economy is so bad that… 

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street.”

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

JUST LIKE MOMMY

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male
customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington