THE SEVEN YEAR COMPLAINER

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say only two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words. “Cold floors,” he says.

They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, “Bad food.

They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say… “You’ve done nothing but complain since you’ve been here! “

DEATH OF A NAGGING WIFE

A man and his nagging wife were on vacation in Jerusalem and the wife passed away. The undertaker said, “You can either have your wife shipped home for $5,000 dollars or bury her here for $150 dollars” the man said “I’ll ship her home” the undertaker said “but why? It’s cheaper to bury her here in the holy land” the man said “long ago a man was buried here and he rose from the dead three days later. I just can’t take that chance”

HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR INSANITY

1.   In  the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write  For Marijuana.
2.  
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with  a serious face. 
3.
  Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is To  Go.
4.  
Sing Along At The Opera. 
5.
  Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend
Their Party  Because You 
have a  headache. 
6.
  When  Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 
Run  For Your Lives! They’re Loose!    
7.
 Tell  Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The  Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You  Go.
           
8.
  PICK UP A BOX  OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE  FITTING ROOM
 IS. 

TICKETS

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner. 

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


—— Dear Ex-Husband  Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping.

Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago

. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything  happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling  life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem……..

IT ALL BEGAN WITH AN IPHONE

It all began with an iPhone…

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

IPHONEI celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

IPADMy daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

IPOD TOUCHSeptember came by, so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.
IRONIt was around then that the fight started . . .
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!