NOTHING LIKE MEETING OLD CLASS MATES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.                                                            
 MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’ YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

 THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,
 GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
 ASKED,
 
 ‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? 

Submitted by: G-ADAMS 

Advertisements

ENGLISH VENTRILOQUIST VISITS WALES

An  English ventriloquist visiting   Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the taff Taff: (in a panic) ‘The sheep’s a  liar……’

‘Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?’

Villager: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid English bastard.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going mate?’

Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this villager your owner?’ (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: ‘Yep’

Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’

Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.’

Taff: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

Taff: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

Horse: ‘Cool’

Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: ‘Yep’

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.’

Taff: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

SUBMITTED BY : G ADAMS

 

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?This is for all the germ conscious folks

that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather

in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John’s grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,

‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied,

‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said,

‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you

fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog

started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said,
‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’

Meet Coldwater !

  

 SUBMITTED BY: A-WEST