SILENT FARTS

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?

“Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”

 The Doctor nods, “Hmm.

” Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?

“Hmm,” says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts? “

“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test. “

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NOTHING LIKE MEETING OLD CLASS MATES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.                                                            
 MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’ YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

 THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,
 GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
 ASKED,
 
 ‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? 

Submitted by: G-ADAMS 

LOGICAL THINKING

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that cause’s the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

SUBMITTED BY:G-ADAMS

HERE IS YOUR SIGN

  1. Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr.. Jones, at your cervix.”

  2. In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”  (read it again)

  3. On a Septic Tank Truck:  Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

  4. At a Proctologist’s Office: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”

  5. At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
    you’ve come to the right place.”

  6. On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

  7. On another Plumber’s truck:Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

  8. On a Church’s Bill board:  “7 days without God makes one weak.”

  9. At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:  “Invite us to your next blowout.”

  10. At a Towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

  11. On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

  12. In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

  13. On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

  14. On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

  15. On a Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

  16. At a Car Dealership:  “The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”

  17. Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

  18. In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

  19. At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don’t, you will be.”

  20. In a Restaurant window:  “Don’t stand there and be hungry;come on in and get fed up.”

  21. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

  22. At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

  23. At a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

  24. Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

SUBMITTED BY:G-ADAMS

ELDERLY MAN GOES TO THE DR.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

“I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,

“What did he say?”

The wife yells back to him,

“GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS

SUBMITTED BY: T. BAYLISS