YOUR GOING TO DIE

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. 

 “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  “Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

 Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. “If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

 On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say? ” she answered.”  you’re going to die.

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NOTHING LIKE MEETING OLD CLASS MATES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.                                                            
 MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’ YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

 THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,
 GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
 ASKED,
 
 ‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? 

Submitted by: G-ADAMS 

LOGICAL THINKING

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that cause’s the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

SUBMITTED BY:G-ADAMS

ELDERLY MAN GOES TO THE DR.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

“I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,

“What did he say?”

The wife yells back to him,

“GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS

SUBMITTED BY: T. BAYLISS