Submitted by : G-Adams
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’ YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
Submitted by: G-ADAMS
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.
SUBMITTED BY: G. ADAMS
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the taff Taff: (in a panic) ‘The sheep’s a liar……’
‘Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?’
Villager: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid English bastard.’
Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going mate?’
Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’
Taff: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: ‘Is this villager your owner?’ (pointing at the Villager)
Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’
Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.’
Taff: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’
Taff: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’
Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’
Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (Pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.’
Taff: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’
SUBMITTED BY : G ADAMS