THE SEVEN YEAR COMPLAINER

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say only two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words. “Cold floors,” he says.

They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, “Bad food.

They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say… “You’ve done nothing but complain since you’ve been here! “

TICKETS

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner. 

WHY I AM DIVORCED

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t
feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband                                                        would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and                                                             possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning,
let alone Happy Birthday. I thought…
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word…

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,
‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way
Happy Birthday! I felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go he                            chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis                          each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,                   Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?

I responded,’ I guess not. What do you have in mind?
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed
by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there
On the couch…
Naked!