JUST LIKE MOMMY

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male
customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

NOTHING LIKE MEETING OLD CLASS MATES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.                                                            
 MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’ YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. 

 THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED,
 GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
 ASKED,
 
 ‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? 

Submitted by: G-ADAMS 

TEACHERS AND COPS

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers

in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded. (but, boy, are these funny!)

1.  Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3.  Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4.  Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around  the country:

16. You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.

15. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them awhile.

14. If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

13. If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.

12. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of  the bullet that will be chasing you.

11. You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

10. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?

9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not not. Was Mickey Mouse a dog or cat.

8. Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that   again or I will  give you another ticket

7. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

6. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife get’s a toaster oven.

5. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.

4. How big were those two beers you say you had?

3. No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.

2. I am glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

AND THE WINNER IS….

1. You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.

SUBMITTED BY: G-ADAMS